& Map of the Problematique // [MUSE]

Xx An End to 2007 xX

Well, I guess it's about a week too early for this post to be due, but who cares. So many things to say, yet equally as much I wish I could express.

2007 has been a very painful (if I may say so) year for me, though it wouldn't be fair to say there hasn't been any positive periods. Let's start out with all the negativity. Before you wander below any further, I'd like to warn you that certain points may be offensive (not visually) to you. Please take heart.

The death of Oreo last year has been really upsetting for me. Looking back now, I regret having spent so little time with him. In any case, I do hope he's doing well, wherever he is now. Early this year, my family gained a new "member".

Bongo wasn't meant to be a replacement to Oreo. His personality is totally different from Oreo. Very playful, and "sticky" as well. Ha. He'd always place his paws on your lap, or come really close to lean on you. I know my parents aren't keen keepers of pets, for they have expressed some views of giving him away when the time is right. I can understand their perspective, with the recent addition of a new real family member, my nephew Ashton. Anyway, I really do hope it doesn't come down to that. In a nutshell, it sucks.

February 2007, I officially became an uncle. Funny though, I wasn't excited or really "feeling it" at all. You could say the absence of my ability to find babies "cute" disturbing, but that's just me. I never had a soft spot for babies. Perhaps I just fear handling these helpless creatures, or maybe it's quite annoying that they don't understand anything at all (besides the gibberish such as "orh-orh", which supposedly meant sleep). In any case, I'd still like to express that I find children okay, as long as they can understand what I'm trying to put accross to them.

The bulk of this year (almost 7 months) was spent attending to my Industrial Attachment at Sulzer. I think that to many of my classmates, I had a really wonderful time at Sulzer. Great colleagues, loved my "job", learnt quite a handful of useful stuff. It's true, only to a limited extent, if I may say so.

During my stay there, I really believed I was part of them. I thought I was appreciated. Did my job to the fullest extent of my capabilities; Didn't complain or whine when I did OT, extending to 3 or 4am on several occasions. Quote the BD&T General Manager's comment to me, "Siao ah!" Touché. Yes, it was stupid. I could see what he meant now.

After leaving Sulzer due to the obligation to attend CPTC training at Jurong Island, I realized I was just like any other student to them, though I firmly don't believe this applied to Jason THK. 6 months after leaving Sulzer, he's still the hot topic there. The thoughtfully constructed photo album made especially for him proves it. The comment directed in my face telling me to not expect one left me rather speechless. Perhaps it was a classic case of "言者无意, 听者有心。" I don't even want to mention (again) what happened when they were thinking of people to invite for the Sulzer DnD.

You can tell me to stop comparing myself with others, but when people juxtapose you with someone of superior capability, you can't help but to doubt yourself. Yes, I'm guilty of doubting my own abilities, but you people are equally guilty for spilling comments like "You should learn 'whatever the heck is his name'" and "Whoa! 'whatever the heck is his name' is the only student who achieved 'X figure' of sales." If it was you who heard that, I really doubt you wouldn't feel a pinch.

Sometimes I still wonder, what am I lacking that left me here today? The 3 possibilites I've come up with: I don't pay lip service (very frank), I'm not as charismatic (not charming), and my apparent 'fierce' disposition (chao bin) is repulsive.

For people who don't know me well, I'm not one who wears a grin on my face everyday. I do believe that I have a pleasant side to me, and I 'pray' that my friends can attest to that.

Anyway, it's too late to change anything now. If I'm not as good as he his, there's really nothing I can do about it. I rest my case.

Since June, I have been shifting between depression and perhaps, mild ecstasy. I broke down completely mid-June, and that's when I spilled my thoughts to a confidant. I might have gone insane, if I didn't do so.

Limerence, I believe many has been through that. Limerence isn't your everyday infatuation. It's a poison that lingers in your system for a very long time. I reached the crest of my depressive state throughout October and November. I broke down several times, suffered a fair share of sleepless nights. A heart really does feel heavy when it's broken. Not a very good feeling.

Despite the glaring fact that it was never possible for us to begin anything together, there's always this sliver of hope within me (that I desperately wish it'd die out). You never really officially knew, but I believe you aren't dense enough to realize what's going on. The lack of casual communication post-"event" has been leaving me really jaded. In any case, I just want to maintain a friendship, but I don't know if this will hurt me even more. Anyway, I do hope everything turns out right for you, if you believe that that's your happiness and comfort.

Frankly, I turned to booze because of this. Though I never drank myself to a fucking stupor, the company of a few good friends, nice live music and mind-numbing alcohol comforted me. It wasn't the healthiest way to seek solace, but it works.

"Most things break, including hearts.
The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus."
- Wallace Stegner
This isn't something that I freely express. If I remain tight-lipped on this, please do forgive me.

I haven't been doing so well at school as of late, majorly because of that above. My competitive edge has been dulled considerably, even though I still want to achieve a Diploma w/Merit. You (not the "you" from above) told me not to be disheartened should I not get it. I'm pinning all my hopes on it, really.

In a race, who'd remember who came in second? Despite coming in ahead of the bulk of the crowd, he'd still be behind the first, and as equally recognized as the bulk of the crowd. I think you should be able to get my drift. If you think this is about remembering who's first, you're too shallow, go deeper.

Process Control isn't as bad as I think it was. I just need to spend a little more effort on it. PED is in a mess and nobody is doing anything about it. WISP and PC Tech presentations are still at step zero. Everyone is busy celebrating Christmas.

What's so great about festive seasons if you gotta celebrate it alone? Fuck Christmas, in my humblest opinion. Oh. It's the season of giving and whatever cliches, bla bla bla. Pfffttt. Jog on! Still, don't be surprised if you get a Christmas message from me tomorrow.

Moving on, I realized I haven't got many friends. I hardly communicate with my Secondary school friends anymore, besides the occasional Hi-Bye chit chat. My Poly friends have been pretty much my company for the past 2 years. Sigh. Haven't really got much to say here. I don't know why I'm in such a miserable state anyway.

Now, there hasn't been much positive events in my life this year. I would like to say I had the best birthday celebrations this year. Celebrated my birthday at the office, with my Poly classmates and of course, the Red Cross gang. Oh yeah, got a special treat from Dyna as well. Haha. Big thanks to all you people! =)

Thanks for the special effort!

Now what holds in the year 2008?

My final months at Ngee Ann Polytechnic. Last chance to grab that elusive Dip w/Merit. Then, off to NS, I guess. I could never understand what's in the minds of those who are dying to get into NS and "serve the nation". I believe you could say that these are the successful results of the 10+ years of brainwashing via school-distributed propaganda-imprinted National Day freebies (pens, pens, pens) and countless hours of Social Studies lessons.

Let me 'serve the nation' and get me the hell outta there. Frankly, I'd like to see myself living well somewhere in Canada, the USA or Australia. I don't really want to live here anymore. I really wish it'd come true in 10 years time. Must find a way to make it happen!

I'm still considering what course of study to take in the future. The important thing now is still to secure that accreditation. I'd like to study overseas (as a first step of getting out of here), though that idea has been promptly put down by my parents several times. It's not that I don't like Singapore, it's just that I seek a, shall we say, less restrictive culture.

I guess this is should be most of what I have to say. I forgot quite a huge chunk of what I intended to write, but anyway, the gist of it should be in here. Not a very exciting year, and definately not a very cheerful one. Hopefully there are better years ahead. Cheers!

Lifehouse - Blind

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

[Chorus]
After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

[Chorus]

After all this why
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

// Citizen Erased @ 11:13 AM

Xx Sakura Buffet xX

Okay. Just a quick update. Nothing much going on the past few weeks. Finished CTs with the horrid Process Control paper last Wednesday. Really bad, I tell you. Think I was the only one who didn't know how to do the bonus question. Why's there a bonus question in the first place?! Urgh! You could apply the principles of "The rich gets richer; The poor gets poorer" scenario here.

Together with a few classmates, we went to Sakura at Orchard for the dinner buffet that night. The food wasn't that fantastic anyways. But the thing with buffet is, once you start, you can't stop. Haha. Totally gorged ourselves.

Anyway, we're thinking of heading off to Phuket, Thailand for holidays after "graduation". Hopefully can convince a handful of classmates to go.

Year end is approaching. Watch out for the year-end roundup post. I don't know how it'll turn out, but I'm guessing it'd be leaning towards the 'emo' side. Cheers!

Poorly dissected Shishamo.
Lynette: "Why's the Shishamo always pregnant?"
Me: "'Coz it's a horny slut."

Clueless. *Snickers*

Alex's "brain so small".
He seems to be enjoying it though.

I don't know what we're doing to Harvard in this one.

// Citizen Erased @ 3:07 PM

Xx A Bad Dream xX

Process Control Common Test tomorrow. Totally hate this bloody module. Reaction Engineering was far easier than this, I tell you. 6 credit units. Cannot afford to lose out on this module. Hopefully, I'll still (or rather, I must) be able to grab a borderline A for this.

Been into Keane's songs these few days. I really like the song "A Bad Dream", especially the chorus. Even though this band seriously lacks a guitar, they're still quite good to listen to.

Wish I could wake up from this bad dream as well. Sigh.

Keane - A Bad Dream

[Chorus]
I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind
Wouldn't mind it
If you were by my side
But you're long gone
Yeah you're long gone now

// Citizen Erased @ 9:58 AM